How Kinky are the Characters of Pride & Prejudice?

IceBerg Mama
Writing Contributor

(images chosen by the editor)

 

Mr Darcy

At first I wondered if he’d be too repressed, but then I thought no, super kinky. Definitely a dom. Oh, I just pictured him with a riding crop and now I have to go lie down.

Elizabeth Darcy, nee Bennett

This is a tough one. She’s sassy, so I think she’d be creative. She’d be great at sexting, if only it had been invented.

Mr Bingley 

I don’t think he’d come up with any ideas of his own, but he’d be willing to try whatever you suggested, and he’d be extremely eager to please. He’d probably be down for pegging if that’s what you were into. He’d be into a threesome, whatever the gender makeup of those involved.

Jane Bingley nee Bennett

Maybe she wishes Mr Bingley were more inventive, but generally pretty happy as long as she’s getting some. Her own idea of kinky is doing it during her Lady Times week.

Mary Bennet

Not kinky at all. She just needs a kindly, indulgent older lady for a life of quiet, godly monogamy. 

Mr Wickham 

We already know he’s into fifteen year olds. Big old red flag; he likes girls that are easily manipulable.

Lydia Bennet

She’s fifteen, you perv.

Mr & Mrs Bennet

Had a fire sex life when they were young, eroded by years of Mrs Bennett’s rightful anxiety over keeping their children out of the poorhouse and Mr Bennett’s general dickishness.

Mr & Mrs Gardiner

Had a wild & hedonistic youth, went from sex friends to lovers to husband & wife.

Caroline Bingley

Horrible at sex. Lies there raising a sardonic eyebrow at you and asking “is it in yet?” It’s not her fault; she doesn’t know she’s gay.

Mr & Mrs Hurst 

Secret swingers. You don’t want to know what these freaks get up to.

COLONEL FITZWILLIAM 

Vanilla. It’d be okay, but you probably wouldn’t finish-finish, and you’d ignore his texts, I mean telegrams.

Charlotte Lucas

Secret dominatrix. Definitely pegs Mr Collins. Let’s face it, the only way anyone would bang Mr Collins is with someone else’s dick.

Mr Collins

Let’s just be grateful the internet wasn’t around back then.